<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>I See You by BookwormBecca99</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25989253">I See You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookwormBecca99/pseuds/BookwormBecca99'>BookwormBecca99</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:28:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,226</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25989253</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookwormBecca99/pseuds/BookwormBecca99</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What I hope 7x12 turns out to be</p><p>aka </p><p>Bellamy hears some of Clarke's radio calls in MCAP</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>96</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I See You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this as a way to get my hopes and expectations out for 7x12 before the episode airs. I still firmly believe that we're getting something along these lines, but this show never has been so explicitly cheesy and romantic as this, so I'm expecting much more angst and pain to go with it. Cheers, y'all, we're in the home stretch now. Let's hope it ends in a Bellarke positive way.</p><p>Unbeta'd and written in my notes app; don't expect the best quality here</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Octavia was pacing, clenching and unclenching her fists and mumbling to herself. Clarke wishes she had enough energy to scream and rage like she can see Octavia wanting to do, but at this point she’s just tired. Losing Bellamy, seeing Diyoza die... like that, finding out Bellamy’s alive only for her to lose him in a way that’s almost worse than death... in the span of what? A day? It’s exhausting. Of course, she can’t let those thoughts take control; now more than ever she has to get her people safe and get back to Madi, before these fanatics can figure out who the last person who held the Flame was. She’s going to try bargaining with them. Maybe something on the Eligius ships will have the answers Cadogan is looking for, or maybe not. She might need to ask Jordan what he thinks of all this mess, and if his dad knew of anything that could help them figure out this “last war.” Oh, what would Monty think of all of this? Tears well up in her eyes, thinking about the friends she’s lost. </p><p>Octavia looks over, sees the emotion in Clarke’s eyes and is about to take a step towards her when the door to their cell opens and multiple Bardoan guards stream through, closely followed by Cadogan and... Bellamy, although he’s not the same Bellamy she saw only a few hours ago, right before he betrayed her. He’s obviously cleaned himself up, probably gotten a few injuries healed, and he’s now wearing the same sort of white robes that Anders had worn. The most noticeable changes are on his head. His hair is much shorter, and so so curly. His beard is totally gone, showing his jaw and that scar on his lip in full clarity again. He looks like the Bellamy she dreamed of and drew for years on the ground with Madi. He looks like the man she fell in love with. Except, the complete lack of feeling in his eyes. That’s not the same as it used to be, not even a week ago for her, when they were hugging at sunset, both so full of grief and sadness but maybe a bit of hope as well. God has it really not even been a week? She’s lost track of the time, so she can’t say for certain. </p><p>Clarke realizes she’s been staring, at Bellamy specifically, but also at nothing, lost in her thoughts. She shakes her head, clearing it and looks around the room. Octavia is standing by her side, arms folded over her chest, glaring at her brother. Cadogan looks at her and lifts his hands. </p><p>“Clarke, I am sorry to have stripped you and your friends of your previous accommodations, but I hope you understand. I don’t appreciate being lied to, and there must be consequences. Now, we can do this one of two ways, it’s up to you. You can either tell me everything you know about the key, what is it you call it? The flame? Yes, you can either tell me everything you know about the flame or you can show me in MCAP. Neither will be difficult, unless you resist.”</p><p>Clarke raises her chin and risks a glance at Bellamy. He looks like he wants to speak, which Cadogan notices, motioning with his hand.</p><p>“My shepherd, I doubt Clarke will tell you everything if you rely only on her words. It will be easier for everyone if she shows you, that way you can know for certain she isn’t leaving anything out,” Bellamy says, not looking at her, focused only on Cadogan. Cadogan nods, looking thoughtful.</p><p>“Perhaps you’re right, Bellamy. After all,” he turns, addressing Clarke, “I can’t really trust you anymore, can I?” </p><p>Clarke only looks Cadogan directly in the eyes and speaks calmly- or tries to. </p><p>“I guess I can’t really trust you either, seeing as you didn’t tell me my be- my friend was alive.” </p><p>She almost calls Bellamy her best friend again, as if that designation matters now. But something in Cadogan’s eyes says he knows what she stumbled over, since one of their first interactions was her accusing him of killing Bellamy and bargaining for the rest of her friends’ lives. He smiles, almost sympathetically. </p><p>“If I may defend myself, I nor my people knew he was alive until yesterday. We all thought he had died in the explosion weeks ago, along with our Conductor. I am sorry for that deception.” </p><p>Clarke nods, trying her hardest to not look at Bellamy. </p><p>“Well, we have much work to do in MCAP. Clarke, if you would please accompany me and my guards.” Cadogan says as if it’s a suggestion and not and order, before turning toward the door and walking out of the room. Octavia quickly steps up to Clarke and hugs her, whispering </p><p>“Keep a phrase in your head, don’t think of anything else. It’s the only way they won’t break through. Be strong.” She lets go of Clarke, and Clarke nods in understanding as the guards come toward her and grab her arm, leading her out of the room. </p><p>Octavia starts after them, but Bellamy’s arm jumps out and holds her in place. She tears free of his grasp, watching Clarke be led none too gently down the hallway. Octavia looks at her brother, who is avoiding her gaze, instead staring at a point over her head.</p><p>“Bellamy, what are you doing?” She pleads, grabbing onto his forearms. He finally looks at her, but she doesn’t recognize anything in his eyes. He grips her arms back and stares at her, shaking his head. </p><p>“What I have to do. I know you don’t understand, but this is how we save mankind.” He looks so damn sure of himself. Octavia shakes her head, </p><p>“But Bell, what about saving your family? Me? Echo? Clarke? Are we not worth it anymore?” </p><p>His eyes don’t change, but he does hold on to her even more tightly. </p><p>“Of course you’re all worth it, Octavia. It’s just that I understand now that we’re all part of a whole, and to try and save only a few individuals out of the whole is selfish and wrong. It’s better to save all of us. All of mankind. And that’s what I’m trying to do.” </p><p>He releases her, and she takes a step back. When she doesn’t say anything, he turns to go and she lets him, watching as he shuts the door behind him. </p><p>~</p><p>Clarke is lead into the perfectly white room with a chair in the middle. The guards let her go, and she turns toward Cadogan who is looking at her curiously. </p><p>“Do you know what MCAP does, Clarke?” He asks, motioning toward the machine hanging from the ceiling. Clarke shakes her head, trying the honest tactic. He smiles. “It’s quite amazing technology, I think. The Bardoans were a very advanced civilization. Perhaps after this business is through, you will allow my disciples to teach you about them and how they all died. I believe you experienced a piece of it for yourself. I am sorry about your friend; it is a pity. She had the makings of a great disciple and warrior.” </p><p>Clarke tries not to react, but she sees Diyoza’s face frozen in her last moments- an image she’ll likely never forget- and she knows something of that sadness shows up on her face, for Cadogan smiles softly again. </p><p>“This machine allows us to look through the memories of the person it’s focused on, as long as they don’t try to fight it. Your friend Octavia fought for a while, I heard, until disciple Levitt was able to get her to cooperate. That’s how we learned about you and the key, of course. Although, Bellamy’s arrival and then unknown departure lead to an abrupt conclusion to her cooperation. The last thing we know about you is that the key was in your head, and something about a city of light?” He questions, looking at Clarke expectantly. She just stares back. He sighs and smiles again. “Of course, I wanted to try and see if you’d make it easy, but Bellamy was right.” </p><p>Cadogan motions toward the other person in white whom Clarke hadn’t even noticed was in the room. The woman comes toward her and places a hand on her arm. </p><p>“If you would please lie back.” Clarke does as she’s told and tries to start thinking of something to repeat like Octavia told her to. Cadogan comes into her field of vision. </p><p>“Now, this machine is going to make a connection with your train of thought, allowing us to watch your memories as if they were a movie. If you cooperate, it won’t be painful, and we’ll be done here in no time.” </p><p>He smiles again, and waves his hand toward the woman, who nods, puts on a pair of odd glasses and comes to the front of Clarke’s chair. The woman moves her hand in the air in front of her and suddenly Clarke feels a terrible pressure in her head- oh wait. That’s it. The phrase- </p><p>The head and the heart. The head and the heart. The head and the heart. </p><p>She desperately tries to repeat that phrase- something that’s come to mean so much to her, moving her lips slightly as she does to help her keep her focus. The woman looks confused and makes the hand motion again. Clarke continues to repeat the phrase, developing a sort of rhythm and cadence in her own mind. Clarke can’t tell how many minutes pass, until the woman sighs and puts her hand down. </p><p>“Clarke, I’m going to try a different tactic. You’re in a vast desert with a purple sky. A hand reaches out to your own. Whose hand is it?” Clarke repeats the phrase again and again. The woman repeats the question. Vaguely Clarke hears the sound of a door opening and footsteps coming toward her. A soft voice coming from her left says, </p><p>“She isn’t cooperating, I’m glad you came. Maybe you can get through to her.” </p><p>She can’t hear the response, only the woman asking her question one more time just as Bellamy steps into her field of vision. Clarke’s concentration breaks and she feels the pressure lighten a bit as the screen she didn’t notice on the opposite wall lights up and images begin to flash across it. </p><p>Bellamy, holding her up out of that pit of spikes, Bellamy, taking the nail he used to torture Lincoln out of her hand, Bellamy, as she saw him coming into Camp Jaha after she escaped Mount Weather, Bellamy, as she kissed his cheek and left him at the gates. The images fly by faster, all of him, all of their hurts and triumphs and hugs and betrayals, and she vaguely hears the woman exclaim “We have a connection!” with Cadogan’s soft words in response: “Good. Now ask her about the key.” </p><p>Clarke begins her mantra again, this time speaking the words out loud. She can tell it’s working once more, as the woman sighs in frustration. </p><p>“Clarke, can you show me what happened right after you took the key?” </p><p>The head and the heart. The head and the heart. The head and the heart. </p><p>Clarke feels something drip down the side of her cheek. She’s crying. She feels more than sees Bellamy step up and speak quietly to the woman, and then he comes to stand on Clarke’s other side. He takes her hand. </p><p>“Please, Clarke. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” She turns her head slightly to look at him, and for one second he looks so much like her Bellamy that her concentration slips, and something comes through on the screen. She can see what’s left of Becca’s lab, her desperate attempts to make it somewhat of a home while she was trapped there, healing from radiation burns. She can also see the radio she managed to scavenge, sitting on the table. Clarke hears herself sigh, and sees her own hand picking up the receiver and clicking the button. </p><p>“Hey Bellamy. Hey, everyone else. I know you’re probably just getting settled, if you even made it to the ring alive. God, I hope you made it alive. I’ll admit throwing the tablet off the satellite tower before ensuring it worked was a tad bit impulsive, but I had a fiery wave of death coming at me and I just watched all the people I care about leave me behind on a burning planet.” Clarke hears herself choke and cough, knowing that she had been trying not to cry. “Anyway, I hope you made it. I guess it’s gonna be five years before I find out. If I even make it that long...” She trails off and takes her hand off the receiver. She knows she didn’t ever go back to it that day, too sad to consider the possibility that she might not survive to see her friends. </p><p>Clarke focuses again, starting to repeat her mantra but she loses her concentration when she looks at Bellamy and sees him watching the screen with a look of awe and sadness on his face, seemingly unprepared for what he had just seen. Her lack of concentration allows the memory of the call on the next most important day of her journey to appear on screen. An image of a wasteland, with the ruins of Arkadia behind her. She had failed at digging her way to the bunker, found the remnants of Lexa’s throne, driven to Arkadia and found Jasper’s old things. After crying in the back of the rover for a while, she crawled to the top of the vehicle, picked up the radio which had been her pseudo companion for the last two months, and spoke into the receiver. </p><p>“Where was I? Oh, right. Polis. Up until that moment, I believed I’d live in the bunker with the others, with my mom. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her down there, but the hard truth is, I could dig for years and never reach that door. I’ve been by myself now for two months, but this is the first time I feel alone. It’s like we were never here. Maybe we never should have been. How the hell am I gonna make it 5 years?</p><p>“I came to Arkadia looking for food or water, but all I found were ghosts. Part of me thinks that Jasper had the right idea. What’s the point if all there is is pain and suffering? Real cheerful, Clarke. I’m sorry. Ignore me, okay? I haven’t had water in two days. I need to find some soon, or I don’t think I’m gonna… Anyway, I doubt you can hear me on this piece-of-crap radio... But in case this is the last time I get to do this, I just want to say... Please don’t feel bad about leaving me here. You did what you had to do. I’m proud of you.” </p><p>On screen, Clarke sees herself put the receiver down and sigh. She doesn’t remember that moment too clearly, but she knows she wasn’t originally going to tell Bellamy she was proud of him. She had originally meant to tell him she loved him and missed him, but she chickened out, even through a radio whose signal went nowhere. Somehow that thought doesn’t end up coming through on the machine, which she’s grateful for, so Clarke just readies herself for the next prominent memory that she can’t stop, one full of pain and despair. It’s not a call, but she knows that Bellamy should see it, if the look of shock and sadness and amazement on his face is anything to go by. She lets the machine take over and sees her own vision blur and fade on screen, wrecked by dehydration and starvation, sees herself hit the ground and pass out only to wake up to a bird pecking at the sores on her arm. </p><p>She sees herself scare it away, only to realize what its presence means and chase after it. She sees herself run up the sand dune, excitement in her blood for the first time in two months, only for her heart to drop at the sight of just more wasteland on the other side. She sees herself trip and tumble down the side of the dune, sees herself beat the ground and hears her screams of fury and pain directed at nothing and everything, no one and everyone at the same time. She sees herself take the gun at her hip and aim it at her own head. </p><p>Outside of her thoughts, she hears Bellamy’s sharp intake of breath, but she can’t escape her past pain enough to truly acknowledge it. She knows she’s about to pull the trigger when the bird flies overhead, and she sees herself chase after it, running over hill after hill, until finally she crests one and the lush green of Shallow Valley presents itself to her. She hears her words of thanks to the bird before the gunshot, and then her memory switches to how she found the village, with all its people huddled together in the church, and then how she burned their bodies to give them peace. </p><p>Then it’s the next call, the one right before the most important day of her life. She remembers feeling so peaceful that day sitting in the middle of the village, at odds with all the death that occurred there. Her voice crackles through the screen, the image of the table piled high with berries and the trees all around her. </p><p>“I used to think that life was about more than just surviving, but I’m not sure anymore. Animals don’t feel guilty when they kill. They just do it. They kill, or they get killed. I tell myself that every life I took was for a reason, but the truth is, the other side had reasons, too. The Grounders, the Mountain Men, even A.L.I.E. Their reasons to want us dead were the same as ours. It was us or them, kill or be killed, simple as that.</p><p>“So what now? What becomes of the Commander of Death when there’s no one left to kill? I guess we’ll find out because my fight is over. The question is, who am I now? Wait till you see this place. It’s like the death wave jumped over the entire valley. Unfortunately, the radiation didn’t. I’ve lost track of how many bodies we’ve burned since reaching the ground. God, this would be so much easier if I knew you were alive, if I knew I was gonna see you again...” </p><p>In the present, Clarke is too wrapped up in reliving her own life to notice that Bellamy is staring at her, and that no one else is in the room. The rest of that call plays out, but Bellamy keeps staring at her. </p><p>“Positive thoughts, Clarke. It’s been 58 days. By now, Monty should have the algae farm producing. Hope bad does it suck? No offense, Monty. And I found berries, a whole field of them. They’re not very sweet, but they’re beautiful. I think that’s what they used to make the paint for…” </p><p>Clarke sees the figure in the trees on the screen, and immediately tries to start up her mantra again, desperate for these people to not find out about Madi. </p><p>The head and the heart, the head and the heart, the head and the- </p><p>but she’s stopped by Bellamy taking her hand again, distracting her. She looks around frantically, finally noticing that they’re alone. She clears her throat and looks at him. </p><p>“Wh-when did they-?” He gives her a small smile. </p><p>“Probably about thirty minutes ago. Once they realized that this was all you were going to show today.” </p><p>Clarke nods slowly. “But why are you still here?” She asks, not sure if she wants to know the answer. </p><p>“Because I never thought I’d get to hear them. The calls. They’re such a mystery to me, I couldn’t resist knowing at least a few of the words you said to me to keep yourself sane all those years.” He smiles sadly at her again, before his expression hardens right before her eyes. “We can work on the key tomorrow, I’ll take you back to your room now,” he says as he begins to stand. </p><p>Clarke scoffs, </p><p>“Don’t you mean ‘cell’?” He stops and looks at her again. </p><p>“Clarke, I-“ </p><p>Clarke holds up a hand. </p><p>“No. Don’t. Just take me back.” </p><p>He nods and goes to the machine to begin turning it off. He opens the door for her, and she walks through, walking quickly in the direction of the cell she has with Octavia. She knows he’s following close behind, but she doesn’t slow for him, nor does she look at him when they reach the cells and he begins to unlock the door with his handprint. She scoffs again. He glances at her before asking, </p><p>“What, Clarke.” </p><p>She rolls her eyes. </p><p>“I just didn’t expect you to be so- important so quickly. They gave you access to the prison locks? You’ve been here even less than Octavia, Echo, and...” Diyoza, was what she was going to say but she doesn’t. His eyes soften. </p><p>“I know we didn’t know her that well, but I’m still sorry for her death. I hope Octavia knows that too.” </p><p>Clarke shakes her head. “If you want her to know, you can tell her yourself.”  </p><p>The door unlocks and opens to Octavia sitting on the bed reading a book. She looks up when Clarke enters, but Bellamy stays outside. Clarke turns around expectantly, but all he does is nod once before closing the door. Octavia gets up from her bed and comes to examine Clarke’s head. </p><p>“What did they do? Did they get through?” Clarke nods, and Octavia looks stricken, but Clarke interrupts her with </p><p>“But I didn’t give them what they wanted. I bombarded them with a few memories of my early time on earth alone, it seemed to do the trick. They let me go for today, but I’m guessing that means they’ll just try even harder tomorrow.” </p><p>Octavia looks sympathetic, nodding before responding, </p><p>“Yes, they will. Not every disciple is as easygoing in there as Levitt is. You have to keep the mantra going, no matter what or eventually they will break through and force you to give up what they want.” </p><p>Clarke walks to sit down on her bed, and Octavia follows, perching next to her. </p><p>“Why was he in there? Surely he doesn’t already know how to operate that machine.” She asks, and Clarke shrugs, knowing she’s asking about Bellamy. </p><p>“I think they brought him in to try and throw me off. It worked. I lost focus and the first thing that came to mind when I did was him.” </p><p>Octavia nods again, understanding growing in her eyes. “His hand was the one reaching out to yours?” She asks softly, and Clarke nods, not looking at Octavia. “Me too.” </p><p>This time, Clarke looks up at Octavia, and they share the same sad smile. “I just can’t believe he’s okay. I’ve spent who knows how long in this place thinking he was gone, when all along he was on this other planet, trying to survive all on his own.” Octavia sounds frustrated, and Clarke understands. </p><p>“What did they tell you about what happened to him?” She asks, since her own knowledge is so limited. Octavia laughs harshly. </p><p>“Just that he experienced a pilgrimage through Etherea and came out an enlightened man, whatever that’s supposed to mean.” Clarke laughs without feeling. </p><p>“Well he’s certainly changed.” Octavia nods, silent for a moment before she stands and heads to her own bed. “We should get some sleep. I have no idea what they’ll do tomorrow to try to get you to cooperate, so it’s best we’re both rested enough to face it.” Clarke nods, and lays down, knowing here’s no way she’s getting any good sleep this night, and she has a feeling Octavia won’t be either. </p><p>~</p><p>Bellamy can’t sleep. He had showered and gotten ready for bed, his evening prayers completed hours ago. And yet, that voice keeps replaying in his head. Those words he once thought he’d never hear, that he was too late to hear. </p><p>“I’m proud of you” mixes in with “if I knew I was gonna see you again” and blends with images of her lowest point, that gun against her head. He shouldn’t have been privy to that pain. He shouldn’t have seen any of it, when all it did was confuse him. He shouldn’t be having these sorts of reactions to her words- to anyone’s words- anymore. He thought he let that go on the mountain as he jumped in a literal leap of faith. And yet, here he is, unable to get them out of his head and unable to stop contemplating what they mean. Unable to stop wondering what the rest of them were, the ones that she didn’t show, and the ones that hadn’t happened yet in her walk through her memories. What else was said. </p><p>His mind started drifting to the possibilities, but he stopped himself, sat up in bed and reached for the pocket Shepherd’s Passage book Doucette had made him keep “for all mankind.” Bellamy tried reading the passages again, but he couldn’t help his thoughts straying to her voice again and again until he finally gave up and put on his robes. He knows it’s probably unlikely that the Shepherd is awake, but he really needs guidance, and he thinks the Shepherd would love to help him sort through these feelings and get him back on track. He walks through the compound until he reaches the elevator. </p><p>Once inside he speaks the floor where the Shepherd’s chambers are, and the elevator dings to request his handprint. Clarke’s voice drifts through his head again: </p><p>“I just didn’t expect you to be so- important so quickly.” </p><p>He places just hand on the scanner and contemplates that comment. He knows she’s right to be confused, after all he has only be here for one full day now, and she’s likely talked to Echo and Octavia about their disciple training, but none of them know what he went through on Etherea, not like the Shepherd does. It’s enough to propel his level and his trustworthiness beyond what would normally happen in Disciple training. </p><p>The elevator dings his arrival, and he steps out only to be met with the Shepherd himself, coming out of his chambers. He smiles at Bellamy warmly, and opens his palms. </p><p>“Bellamy, how can I help you?” Bellamy bows his head. </p><p>“My shepherd, I am having some troubling thoughts. It would assist me greatly if I could talk through them with you and have your guidance in getting over the feelings they bring.” The Shepherd nods, and gestures for Bellamy to follow him. </p><p>They make their way back through the compound until they reach the stone room. Being so late at night- or rather what night is simulated to be in an underground compound- no one but the conductor on duty is present, and Bill, as he instructed Bellamy to call him again, sends them away. He gestures for Bellamy to sit in the chair at a table that Bellamy hadn’t noticed was there, since it was white and blended in with the rest of the floor. Once they are both sitting, Bill looks at Bellamy for a long while, just watching in silence. Bellamy doesn’t think he should interrupt the silence, so he waits. Eventually Bill speaks calmly. </p><p>“You’re having trouble separating yourself from your old familial connections.” He says matter of factly, and Bellamy nods. </p><p>“Yes, my Shep- Bill. I can’t seem to keep up the way of thinking that Doucette taught me on Etherea, especially now that they’re here and they’re alive and I’m here and I’m alive.” Bill nods, </p><p>“I understand your dilemma, Bellamy. The desperation you must have felt on Etherea was a powerful motivator, and now that that feeling isn’t present anymore, you’re struggling to remember why you chose the light after all. May I help you remember?” </p><p>~</p><p>Clarke wakes up to the sound of the door to their cell being opened again. She looks over to see Octavia sitting up in bed looking weary, like she also didn’t fall asleep until early morning. To Clarke’s surprise, it’s only Bellamy this time, no guards to be seen. She must look confused, because Bellamy opens his hands (not unlike the way Cadogan does) and says, </p><p>“I’ve been given the task of continuing your MCAP sessions and finding and reporting everything you know about the key.” Clarke and Octavia exchange a suspicious look, but Clarke stands anyway. </p><p>“Are you going to drag me there or will I be allowed to walk myself?” She asks, straightening her jacket. Bellamy isn’t fazed. </p><p>“You may walk, as long as you don’t try anything.” Clarke has to laugh, but Bellamy still doesn’t react. She turns to look at Octavia before he’s ushering her out of the cell, closing the door on his sister’s concerned face. He’s silent for the walk to the MCAP room, his back stiff as a board and his arms in what she would call a “proper disciple” position joined in front of his chest. She tries to search for something to say, but can’t find anything, and within a minute they arrive at MCAP. </p><p>Clarke walks through the door, and Bellamy follows, letting it close behind him. She notes that there isn’t anyone else present this time, which she can only assume means that yes, Bellamy does somehow know how to operate this machine, and Cadogan really does trust him enough to leave him alone with her. He moves efficiently around the machine, pressing buttons and turning knobs, before putting those goggles on his nose and turning toward her. </p><p>“If you would please get into the chair and lie back.” His eyes hold nothing recognizable to her, just a dutiful stare in her direction. Clarke sighs, knowing she can’t fight this, at least not physically, and she moves toward the chair. Although he seemingly feels nothing for her anymore, she has an idea that formed overnight based on his reactions to her memories yesterday. She has no clue if he will even let her attempt it, much less if it will work. But she has to try something to get through to him, something that he wouldn’t see coming. </p><p>After all, her usual plans involve trying to bargain with her enemy, and when that fails, fight her way out while attempting to save as many of her people as possible. Using her own memories against him? She would never expect it, so she hopes Bellamy won’t either. Clarke supposes she has Josephine to thank for the idea, as much as she can thank someone who stole her body. A small laugh escapes her, and Bellamy looks up, noticing her slight smile. His eyebrows furrow slightly in confusion, but he just focuses back on something she can’t see through the glasses. </p><p>That screen from yesterday appears on the wall opposite her, with nothing on it but a few symbols and dials she doesn’t understand. Bellamy comes to her side and looks at her evenly. </p><p>“I need you to show me what happened after Raven removed the Flame from Madi.” Clarke starts, not expecting this to be the first question, but she manages to keep her mind from betraying her. Looking back at him, she asks quietly, </p><p>“Why can’t you just ask Raven? I know you know I was too distressed and upset to remember anything after my daughter was safe.” Bellamy doesn’t react, only taking a breath and replying, </p><p>“Raven doesn’t know what happened to it. She only remembers hugging you, and then watching Sheidheda’s code disappear from the computer, not where the remnants of the Flame went.” </p><p>Clarke is confused, until she realizes what his words mean. “You put her in MCAP.” It’s not a question, but Bellamy nods quickly. </p><p>“She’s fine. Once we realized she really did not know where it was we let her go.” Clarke releases a breath; glad Raven didn’t fight it. </p><p>“What use is the casing of the Flame to Cadogan? Surely you also saw that Raven destroyed it to save Madi, there’s nothing left of the AI, just bits of metal and silicone.” Bellamy looks at her evenly again and responds, </p><p>“My Shepherd believes it can be repaired. Please show me anything you can remember about its location.” Clarke can see that he isn’t planning on answering any more questions and rests her head on the headrest. She takes a few moments to think while he makes more motions with his hands and some settings change on the screen. She knows she will only have a few moments before he realizes her plan and tries more drastic techniques. </p><p>The Bellamy she knew would never hurt her, but it’s obvious that this Bellamy’s first priority is to his “Shepherd” now, and following orders may require him to put aside any feelings that would get in the way. She never wanted him to find out this way, but she has one memory, from a night hundreds of years ago when she was feeling supremely lonely and desperate. Madi had woken up screaming, crying for her family, and it had taken Clarke hours to get her to calm down enough to sleep soundly. The resulting radio call is not one she’d ever forget, nor is it one she expected anyone to ever hear, much less the man it was directed to. </p><p>Clarke sighs, knowing that this may be her one chance break through the fog of his new faith. Bellamy glances toward her at her sigh, and she locks eyes with him. He looks as if he’s about to say something, then his eyes harden and he turns toward the screen. </p><p>“Let’s begin. You’re in a vast desert with a purple sky. A hand reaches out to your own. Whose hand is it?” This time, Clarke doesn’t try to fight it, and allows the slight pressure in her head to break through, and she watches as more images- different from yesterday- of Bellamy flash across the screen. </p><p>His face in front of hers in that abandoned subway, his hand gently pulling off her gag and brushing her hair back, right before Roan attacks. His face as he tells her “you left me” and the utter heartbreak so plainly visible there. His face as she tries and fails to write her own name down below his on that damned list. His face as she points a gun at him, so scared yet determined to follow through with his plan, even if it means his death by her hands. His face as she tells him her wishes for him in case she doesn’t make it through Praimfaya, to use his head as well as his heart. His face as she tells him to hurry, so many more words on her tongue but none of them coming out. </p><p>The connection is made, and yet she lets that moment keep playing, knowing that he knows that was their last interaction before six years of separation and not knowing if the other person was alive. His hands are in fists at his sides, such contrast against his white robes, and she can see his jaw clenching. Now’s her chance, he’s caught off guard and she needs to take advantage of it. He’s about to speak, presumably to ask about the Flame, but she lets her mind drift to that night. The one that changed everything for her, yet nothing for him. Her voice echoes out through the room, full of pity for herself, yet some relief at knowing she’s finally speaking the words. </p><p>“Hey, Bell. Tonight was pretty rough, Madi had another nightmare and I could barely calm her down. She’s sleeping now, too exhausted to do anything else. I hope this doesn’t keep happening to her, but I don’t know how to help.” Her voice trails off, and the screen displays the valley at night, stars blinking and the moon illuminating everything, and Clarke knows she was perched on the rover, staring up at where the Ring shined brightly through the sky. Bellamy takes a breath, but Clarke’s on-screen voice starts up again, </p><p>“I feel so damn guilty. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. She’s having nightmares about her family fucking dying in her arms while I’m… I’m dreaming. About you. About us. About us… together. About what we could have been if the world didn’t burn again, if we’d had more time. This time, we were at Arkadia. We had finally made peace with all of the grounders, and we were truly thriving. Dream me was working in the med bay with my mom, while dream you was teaching kids history and mythology at the school we had built. We had a cabin, yes a cabin, that both of us built together. And we were happy. So damn happy, Bell. </p><p>“I woke up to Madi screaming, and all I could think was “please let this be a dream, and that dream be reality” but it’s not, this is my reality. I’m practically alone on this planet, I’m learning how to care for a child who still doesn’t fully trust me and who is displaying extreme symptoms of PTSD that I have no idea how to treat and all I can think of is how much I lo-“ Clarke hears herself choke on the words, still unable to say them, even with only the moon as her witness. She can’t look at Bellamy next to her, so she allows the memory to keep playing. </p><p>“God, why can’t I say it even now? I know I mean it; it’s been part of me for so long and yet…” A deep breath resonates through the screen, and Clarke braces herself for what she knows is coming. “Fuck, I’m just gonna say it. You’ll never hear these anyway, if you’re even alive, if I’ll ever see you again, and now I’m rambling and Bell, I miss you so much. I… I love you so much. Please. If you’re up there, I love you. I’ve loved you for so long, and I’m sorry it took me so long to say it. And that I’m saying it now, where you’ll never hear me. Here’s hoping I’ll be able to tell you in…” </p><p>Clarke sees her gaze shift to the notebook open at her side, which has numbers written all over the page. “1095 days. Three years. Three years until you come back to me. Until you can meet Madi. I think you’re her favorite, although recently I’ve started telling her about Murphy and she seems intrigued. Anyway, I guess that’s all for tonight. Talk to you tomorrow.” </p><p>Clarke’s voice fades out as she lets the memory recede and the screen go blank. She closes her eyes, unable to look at Bellamy, unable to see his lack of reaction to her pouring her heart out so many years ago. She stays like that until she feels the pressure lessen from her head and hears him moving around her. She risks opening her eyes, immediately locking onto his figure. He’s steadfastly not looking at her, focusing on shutting the machine off. But she can tell he’s different. That lack of emotion in his eyes, the stiffness of his posture- it’s all gone and in its place is someone who looks like her Bellamy. </p><p>She releases a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding, and he finally looks at her. She’s shocked to note a tear running down his cheek, which he quickly wipes away. She sits up in the chair and he stiffens again, his hands going into fists at his sides. Clarke stands and walks toward him. He’s looking at the floor, clenching his jaw and breathing heavily. She stops about two feet in front of him, and slowly he looks up at her. </p><p>“Bellamy… I’m sorry you had to find out this way. But I hope you know, it’s all true, it’s still true. I love-“ </p><p>“No!” He shouts, interrupting her before she can finish saying the words. “You can’t- you can’t say that to me. It’s not fair. Not after I’ve- and you’re- it’s not right. The Shepherd told me this would be easier, why isn’t it easier-“ He’s rambling, obviously unable to put his thoughts together, running his hands through his hair. </p><p>Clarke reaches out and takes his hand, holding it lightly. She takes it as encouragement that he doesn’t pull away, only watches her fingers as they intertwine with his.  </p><p>“I know your devotion is to the shepherd now, but I just needed you to know that. I needed you to hear that. And I need you to know that I’ll do anything to keep you safe. You’re my family, Bellamy. You’re my best friend. I need my best friend back, so we can work together to fight this last war, whatever that may be. I need you, Bellamy. I never want to lose you again.” </p><p>His breathing is uneven, and he won’t look her in the eye, but he still hasn’t pulled his hand from hers. </p><p>“Please, Bell, I need you. I’m not letting you go.” She knows he’s remembering the same thing she is, his words as he brought her back to life with his bare hands, giving her the incentive to fight back she didn’t know she needed until that moment. Clarke takes a step closer to him, judging his reaction. When he doesn’t step back, she moves even closer, until they’re only a hair’s breadth away from each other. </p><p>Slowly, she looks up into his eyes. He won’t meet her gaze, so she reaches up and puts a hand on his cheek. It stops him short, and his gaze locks onto hers. </p><p>“Bellamy?” Her voice is soft, not wanting to startle him. His other hand slowly comes up to rest on top of hers on his cheek, and she can practically see the moment whatever resolution he had breaks in his eyes as they soften and he surges forward, wrapping her in his arms. She gasps, and puts her arms tightly around his neck, burying her face there. </p><p>“Clarke, I’m so sorry, so so sorry. The shepherd- Cadogan- has this way of getting under my skin, I was in a bad place on Etherea, ready to give up, when Doucette showed me his way, and I saw my mom, and I saw-“ He cuts himself off, sniffling, and Clarke can feel his nose against her neck, as well as some wetness. He’s crying. She pulls back to look at his face, brushing the tear away.</p><p>“Hey, hey, it’s gonna be okay, we’re gonna figure this out, just like we always do. Together.” </p><p>He searches her face openly, before nodding. </p><p>“Together. The heart and the head.” </p><p>Clarke smiles, reaching forward to hug him again. As he holds her, she knows that whatever happens next, they can get through it, as long as they stay together.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I never said it wasn't going to end cheesy/ would be coherent. Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>